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And here i am again...I have been going through ups and downs, good and bads, mostly bads. Yesterday i had this rush, this desire to cut one of my limbs off, i dont know, is so weird.
Sometimes i feel so bad that i dont wanna feel nothing at all, i dont feel human, i dont know how to control it. Ive been bottleing stuff in and i know that when the day comes, its going to be a painful explosion.

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I'm such a freak, I smile when I think of suicide. Cause for a few seconds my mind knows what that would mean, no more pain, no more disappointing people, no more anything. Just a black hole where u can't feel shit, not a worry, is like death whispers a lullaby...

Just a thought

It never gets easy, i lay in bed most of the times and just think of ways to make myself happy...guess what? after all these years still haven't found something inside me that will make me be better...

Desicions

I have decided to change a little, i do admit that this is something that i have done in the past, "ill change" but it has always been for the wrong reasons. I dont want to be consider mentally ill, or just plain crazy, i am me, i have a lot to offer in life. So, from now on ill just try to have a more positive attitude towards stuff. 

Some of my friends know what i do, i wont say i used to because not even 2 weeks ago i was cutting but they do know. And while we were sitting the other day one of them asked me, "How you've been, are u still cutting?" to me that was just the end of the night, i pull my sleeve down and curl up in the couch. Now why did i do that? If the ones that were present know what i do, why do i feel the need to retreat into myself? 

I don't like when people say or talk about my "issues" like I'm not there, they tend to make mean comments regarding it because they don't understand. I sorta get the fact that to people on the outside this is wrong and it shouldn't be a way to control your feelings or emotions, i totally understand that, but how can u judge and label something that u don't understand nor u want to? sure it hurts u to see that I'm hurting myself, and u wish i would stop, but instead of calling me, crazy or a cheese grater, wouldn't it be easier to just shut the fuck up? lol, i started this post as something positive and look where it has taken me...I don't think that someone like me can be "fixed".

Today was a bad day, i spent the whole without talking and then i just felt so bad that i needed a release, and while searching in my bag, 2 razors fell from my wallet, so i was like, "ok, so this is destiny" i laughed a little and just stared at the 2 shiny objects resting by my side, i did it. I cut myself and it fell so good for a while, then i just broke down. I cried so much i couldnt breath and was shaking. This is not how my life should be, but it is and no matter how much i try to make it different it all comes down to one thing and i am co-dependent. I am a cuter, it doesnt define me but it sure does control me at some point. I dont deal with things the way normal people do, i just blank out and cut. Doesnt make much sense, now my thigh hurts, my head hurts and i feel even more empty.

Remember

I remember after the first few times that i cut the cuts weren't so deep, maybe they could look like small scratches that would leave a mark, but nothing mayor. I would just sit for hours and stare at the little scars and try to remember why i did them in the first place, it was strange because i could never actually remember why they happen.

I admit that sometimes i feel so much pain inside that the pain becomes some what numb, so in order for me to feel anything i have to cut. My hands shake, my mouth gets dry, i actually feel sick, i do think a lot before i do it because at some point i know that ill lose control and that would be the end of me. I don't want my parents to see how fucked up i was, i don't think they even know i cut, cause they only see what they wanna see. Sometimes i just lay in bed and caress my scars, some are small, some are deep, but they all there, some look like a fading memory, and others like they were done just yesterday. They all have a story, a tear, a feeling, sadness, some darkness, some were because of someone and others because of something, but they all there.  

A piece of my history on my arms and thighs.

I Just Want To...

“I stopped. She was bleeding after all. Perfect lines crossed her wrists, not near any crucial veins, but enough to leave wet red tracks across her skin. She hadn't hit her veins when she did this; death hadn't been her goal.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

At some point we all want the same thing, to be happy, to feel good about ourselves, to be able to wake up in the morning and not hate the day because u just woke up. To not have that "ugh another day" feeling, but to be like "yes, I'm glad I'm alive". I know that in the end that is what i want, to smile, to love, to laugh, to feel free. 

It all comes down to the fact that i have issues and I'm the first one to recognize that, i don't know how to deal with pain the same way other people do. I'm not the kind of girl that just tries to have a conversation, i bottle everything in, until it gets too hard for me to handle and then i just burst. I have panic attacks, anger issues, its so weird how even my asthma has taking an emotional side. I don't pretend that I'm perfect, i am way far from it, sometimes i just lay in bed and wish that the day would end so i can be alone. I don't sleep much, all i ever do is over think stuff and remember all that I've done, all the people i have hurt with my behaviour and those that I've lost because i couldn't bring myself to care enough to make things right...

First Time

Like one remembers their first kiss, the first crush and that one guy that broke ur heart, i remember the first time i ever cut.

I was thirteen years old, i have always felt like nothing mattered, i have always been a loner, at some point even in a group of people i just shut them out and have conversations with myself in my mind. I guess im not really a people person. I hadn't gone out of my house for a month, and my mother was always trying to get me to go out. I remember that i was sitting by my bed writing stuff on my diary and i felt so sad, like i couldn't really handle all of that.

I was just staring into the freshly written words and my eyes went searching for something around me, i saw a razor on the top of my tv. 

I don't even know how it happen i just know that when my flesh was open and my blood started to flow i was able to let my sadness go, i broke down and cried for what felt like years of pain. I did 3 lines on my left arm, and then i fell sleep. The rush i got from cutting has never been duplicated by any kind of drug or feeling.

Its been 13 years since that first time and is still a way for me to let go when i cant handle it anymore...

What and Why...

This is my first entry on this place even though i have been posting on my other blog regarding this...

I want to start of with what the expert consider being a cuter means...

Self-harm (SH), also referred to as self-injury (SI), self-inflicted violence (SIV), Non-Suicidal Self Injury (NSSI) or self-injurious behavior (SIB), refers to a spectrum of behaviors where demonstrable injury is self-inflicted. The most common form of self-harm involves cutting of the skin using a sharp object, e. g. a knife or razor blade. The term self-mutilation is also sometimes used, although this phrase evokes connotations that some find worrisome, inaccurate, or offensive.

Self-harm in such individuals may not be associated with suicidal or para suicidal behaviour. People who self-harm are not usually seeking to end their own life; it has been suggested instead that they are using self-harm as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort or as an attempt to communicate distress.Alternatively, interpretations based on the supposed lethality of a self-harm may not give clear indications as to its intent: life risking behaviour may have no suicidal intent, whilst seemingly superficial cuts may have been a suicide attempt.

Now, why do i cut?

Because sometimes u feel so much pain inside and its all bottled up inside and the only way i can let it out is by cutting. The way my skin tickles, how its an immediate release, i get high on the feeling, when i see my blood flowing from the cut, i get a sensation of pure bliss.

I dont particularly promote self harming, i do believe is something that slowly kills u inside and when u get used to the pain and just extend ur own limits. I have sat on the floor just watching how the blood drips and becomes a small puddle under me, i like it and i know its wrong.