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I'm such a freak, I smile when I think of suicide. Cause for a few seconds my mind knows what that would mean, no more pain, no more disappointing people, no more anything. Just a black hole where u can't feel shit, not a worry, is like death whispers a lullaby...

Just a thought

It never gets easy, i lay in bed most of the times and just think of ways to make myself happy...guess what? after all these years still haven't found something inside me that will make me be better...

Desicions

I have decided to change a little, i do admit that this is something that i have done in the past, "ill change" but it has always been for the wrong reasons. I dont want to be consider mentally ill, or just plain crazy, i am me, i have a lot to offer in life. So, from now on ill just try to have a more positive attitude towards stuff. 

Some of my friends know what i do, i wont say i used to because not even 2 weeks ago i was cutting but they do know. And while we were sitting the other day one of them asked me, "How you've been, are u still cutting?" to me that was just the end of the night, i pull my sleeve down and curl up in the couch. Now why did i do that? If the ones that were present know what i do, why do i feel the need to retreat into myself? 

I don't like when people say or talk about my "issues" like I'm not there, they tend to make mean comments regarding it because they don't understand. I sorta get the fact that to people on the outside this is wrong and it shouldn't be a way to control your feelings or emotions, i totally understand that, but how can u judge and label something that u don't understand nor u want to? sure it hurts u to see that I'm hurting myself, and u wish i would stop, but instead of calling me, crazy or a cheese grater, wouldn't it be easier to just shut the fuck up? lol, i started this post as something positive and look where it has taken me...I don't think that someone like me can be "fixed".