Warrior

I used to cut because I couldn't feel anything or maybe I felt so much that I wanted to be able to control it in a way. I haven't cut, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how many times I trace my scars and no matter how many times i have the need to feel that rush, that high.
I wanna be the kind of person that people are proud of, I want to be able to say that i USED to be and not that I am a cutter. It doesn't define me but its part of who I am, the scars are my metals and they are proof that I've been low and yet im still here. Im still fighting to get better, im fighting to be someone that its worth loving.
Through time I've learned that its not about what others think and how they feel about u, its about how u see urself. There are days in which I feel so bad that I want to cut as deep as what ever object im using allows me to, days in which all I want to do is stay in bed and not move,  I dont wanna face the world but then I have days in which I truly love myself and i know what I deserve, im fighting the toughest battle, I want more days of love, I want more days in which I cam feel proud of my strength, I wanna be alive.

When u feel neutral

Sometimes u need to learn how to love the parts u hate of u. I've spent so many hours staring at my scars and trying to remember who I was before it all started.
When was the time I became so broken that cutting seemed alright? 
What was really the reason I ever took a razor and slashed my arm open?
The person that i was then and who I am now, are so different and yet so the same. I learned to control my impulses and my fears, I've opened up more to being loved and loving without suffocating.
Call me im half way to being a full grown person, a tad more mature and whole new level of relaxation, I'm glad I'm me and being alive never felt better.

Every day things are harder, in a way I feel good cause it seems like I have learned to control my urges to cut, but then again, is like everything that happens could be a trigger. It disgust me to see my scars, to know that I am weak, but I am also proud to have them, cause they make me realize how strong I can be.
It is not easy explaining to someone when they see my arm, why it looks like that, most times I just hide my arm, pull down my sleeve and change the conversation but I can see them trying to figure out what happen to me that made me do this.
I don't lie, and to those that I have given a response it has always been somewhere around the lines of "its been hard". I love my life with all of it difficulties and I can promise that I won't cut again but if it does happen, I will cross that bridge when I have to.

I guess the name of this blog explains itself, it is a journal of my feelings, my emotions and whenever I feel like I need to share, or just write about it, this right here is therapy.

Lately ive felt worthless, like a piece of shit, is like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, nothing really works out. Every day I look at my arm and feel disgusted and ashamed for being so weak, but also at times im proud of my scars, they are proof that in a way I am a fighter, they are proof that I have been able to move past the depression.

I feel empty, I feel like I don't have a purpose, at the beginning of every year I make up my mind and decide to be productive, I am keeping that part of the deal, however is like what I thought would help doesn't. At time I feel this huge pain inside that feels like its ripping me apart, is like I cant handle it.

I have been in the situation of being on the floor staring at a razor, shaking and convincing myself its the last time, just once more to make me feel better. 

When that shiny razor syncs in my skin is such a relief, such pleasure, at that moment everything will be ok, but it aint...

I haven't cut for what seems like a lifetime. I still feel sad, I still feel helpless, sometimes I don't want to get out of bed or I just wanna curl in a hole and die. So many times I've been surrounded by people, people that in the past had made me happy and I just cant bring myself to smile, to feel anything that isn't despair. They say that happiness has to be within u, but, I think that I have had so many bad experiences regarding love and trust that I refuse to even love or trust myself. Sometimes I feel this pain inside my chest, and I cant breath straight, my eyes burn and my arm itches, such a wave of emotions, all I want to do is cut, yet I don't want any more scars. I don't want to use long sleeves, I don't want any of it, but I miss it and I'm broken.

Back

And here i am again...I have been going through ups and downs, good and bads, mostly bads. Yesterday i had this rush, this desire to cut one of my limbs off, i dont know, is so weird.
Sometimes i feel so bad that i dont wanna feel nothing at all, i dont feel human, i dont know how to control it. Ive been bottleing stuff in and i know that when the day comes, its going to be a painful explosion.

More

I'm such a freak, I smile when I think of suicide. Cause for a few seconds my mind knows what that would mean, no more pain, no more disappointing people, no more anything. Just a black hole where u can't feel shit, not a worry, is like death whispers a lullaby...